That probably sounds like the prelude to a lover's dilemma, but I assure you this is far less exciting. In my twenty-two year old life I have wanted to be a traveller, I have wanted a vintage campervan, I have wanted to open my own food truck and I have wanted to get married in a Sabyasachi creation; but I have never wanted anything more than getting an admit to a PhD program in the States.
Now, this screams out for some introduction to my academic background. I have a B.Tech in Biotechnology from an average institute under an average university in India, but fortunately a number of my seniors are admitted to PhD programs in the US, so that was a relief. My grades were above average (but nothing more) throughout college, and I did not manage to get half-decent internships for myself. No IAS admits, no Bose Institute or anything. You needed a more aligned write-up and a less biased recommendation for the former, whereas a well-placed 'connection' in the field was a prerequisite for the latter.
I settled for internships in a cancer hospital and a once prestigious but currently dilapidated institution in the city. Both were obtained by talking to the respective guides and requesting them for a position. I wouldn't say they were bullshit, because I did learn many things, but they were as basic as can be. In a time where my classmates performed DNA cloning and published scientific papers, I counted cell colonies on petriplates. It is funny how fate fucks you up. The teacher who advised you against the college-endorsed internships probably was unaware that they were pretty good (excuse me, DNA cloning!), and when he asked you to apply to CGCRI he surely didn't care that you absolutely detest biomaterial science. But then, maybe I was being too choosy. Anyway, I took it all in a stride and made the best out of it.
The story of my undergraduate project is even funnier. So, I am assigned to the only mentor proclaimed by the seniors to be evil (so un-fucking-lucky) and she puts me on a project that she knows nothing about. Well played, fate, well played. I buckled up and took help from the professor who knew something about the topic and worked on it alone. It wouldn't be fair if I did not mention my senior who helped me so much with it. Well, drug design and virtual screening sound real fancy-schmancy on paper, but when you have to do it alone under a guide who can give you no advice, having such a senior definitely was a plus. So I managed to learn it and presented a well-rounded thesis, which I didn't have to defend because none of the professors (excluding my guide) knew what I was talking about. And keep in mind I did it by myself, compared to the rest of my classmates who worked in groups of two or more. Not saying it was a commendable task, but just saying.
By this time, I was super-focused on applying to USA for my higher studies. I was still oscillating between MS and PhD, but I'd given my tests and got good-enough/pretty-good scores in them (depending on who you ask). Due to my lack of awareness about the time the university takes to issue transcripts (two and a half months to be exact) and my laziness (read: inexplicable dread) in writing an SOP, and a sudden family trip to Africa (that I was unwilling to join); I was unable to apply for Fall 2015. I had already been offered a job in a top IT company, and my GATE rank was pretty-good/great (depending on who you ask) too. Joining the job was out of the question since I was all for graduate studies, and I didn't want to let go of my dream to study abroad either. So I formulated the perfect plan. I would apply again for PhD programs only, this time making sure everything was appropriate, and in the meantime I would continue my project work to make it publication-worthy material. The GATE score would be my plan B to get into an M.Tech program in case this didn't work out (touch-wood!).
The project work progressed steadily but considerably slower than I had anticipated. I joined a consulting agency in hopes of assistance in applying. Let's just say they had as much knowledge as I had. So I did the applications by myself. Oh, yes they edited my SOP once, but I rewrote it in seven different ways for seven different schools. And well, everything did not go that smoothly anyway. I messed up a couple of things but the admissions coordinators were very helpful in correcting them. I was more than glad when I finished with my applications (which was a week ago, but only one recommendation is pending). Speaking of recommendations, I took them from my project guides (the fake one I was assigned to, and the real one from whom I took all the help) and our departmental head. Although I hope they wrote good stuff about me (hoping this much from project guides is not foolish, is it?) I never asked them specifically about it, so I cannot say. I can only speak for my performance which I think was good enough for them to recommend me favorably for a research position. I am far from stupid, I am hard-working, I am lazy but I always keep deadlines, and I work well on my own as well as in a team. *These are just some things they could possibly write in a recommendation, IMHO*
Since it matters, I'll mention that I presented this work at a conference in an IIT, but it was nowhere in comparison to the other posters presented there. I realised how insignificant my work was (although it was significant where I was coming from), and decided that I would get even more dejected if I focused on the negative things. FYI, I will also orally present it at another conference in February.
Now that I have filled in all the details, let's move on to why I'm even writing this post. I am not going to pretend that I did not have a USA-fantasy like every other kid in the country, but it is not the only reason why I want this so much. USA is one of the top destinations to pursue a research career in Biomedical sciences, and that is exactly where I want to be. I do realise that I may seem deluded or over-ambitious. But I took a risk and I'll live through it. I'm definitely not the most illustrious student, I do not boast of an impressive research experience, and I do not have any publications either (hopefully I'll have one soon). Yet, I wanted to pursue my graduate studies in the States, that too a PhD. It did not have to be top-notch, but I wasn't for settling for the bottom rung either. A program where I could do research on a topic that meant something to me...that's what I was looking for.
I shortlisted my universities based on where my seniors were admitted to (I compared my profile to theirs and applied to schools with lower ranking). But I did not want to compromise on the research topic. I mean, I could not work on plant ecology for five years of my life!
It will seem laughable to some that I am being this snobbish about my choices, but you get only one life. I should not commit to something I cannot fulfill. I may not have had the opportunity to show my perseverance earlier, but is it not about what I can do in the future than what I haven't done in the past? One thing I know is I am committed to doing this, working my ass off to see my dream come true.
Some people have reviewed my profile and predicted I would not get an admit, while some others told me that I would. Some suggested I speak to prospective research guides, but I never got a reply. Maybe I have no idea how to approach them. In other places, people advised strongly against contacting professors before admission. Between the support from my family, the doubt of my professors, the fake assurance of acquaintances and the discouragement of others...it has been a difficult ride. And it will be for the next three months until I know for sure if I get an admit or not. But I want nothing more than this, because this is what will shape my life forever. It will be the first domino which sets off the entire phenomenon in motion. I have big dreams, that I always hoped were achievable. But now my hope is wavering, but I'll keep my faith in God and myself. Yes, there is a good chance that I may be rejected by every school. But I'll keep hoping that I get at least one admit.
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